This has been one of the most difficult years of my life.
I read in my psych class that middle age is supposed to be a
time of peace and acceptance, a time when most people feel a sense of satisfaction,
in the very least.
Middle age. *sigh*
Like when the fuck did that happen? I
always thought middle age was somewhere around your fifties. It seems, depending on which school of
thought you follow, “middle age” can start anywhere from 35 upward. Even if you decide it starts at 40, still… 40
always seemed a lifetime away. Never
thought I would have to worry about being close to 40 or accepting that some
psychologist somewhere is about to throw me into this quaint little bracket and
label me “middle aged.”
Life is supposed to get easier right? Or at least it sounds as if that is the one
good thing this middle age stuff offers.
Declining health, vision and hearing but a promise of contentment…
When we first moved to Nevada, it seemed that we were
finally reaching that obscure “adulthood” that we saw others enjoy but always
felt was just beyond our reach. Until
now. There it was. Our children were not babies anymore. Though kids can still give you cause to panic
when they're older, it seems the heart-attack moments are fewer and further
between. Or maybe after a lifetime of
worry you become a bit desensitized. Who
knows? I just know that all the sudden
there was a calming that seemed to overcome my husband and myself. Not perfection. Just as close to perfect as I had ever
felt.
It was foreign, this feeling. Nice.
About the time you start thinking, “I could get used to this,” and I
started to settle into this new phase of life, the world came crashing
down.
I wonder is that the habit of life that every time something
good occurs chaos must ensue. Is that
the balance? Isn't it possible to
finally get the swing of things without the rules being completely
changed? Why can’t we just relish in the
happiness for more than a moment without tragedy drowning us in its wake?
A promise of contentment.
For a moment I not only felt this calm but I was adjusting and learning
how to live with it and discovering how it felt to really enjoy it. I even thought, “And it gets better than
this! Who knew?”
Then, there he was.
That invisible magician who can pull a table cloth out from under the
place settings and everything remains as it was. Or does it?
Maybe it just appears that way, for a moment. Maybe if we weren't so in awe by the initial
appearance of things, maybe if we stayed a moment longer, then we would have
learned that the candle stick in the center was in shock and was bound to topple
over. It just didn't have time to catch
up with what had happened so it didn't realize that the law of gravity will
still grab a hold of it and choke slam it down.
Rules must be obeyed you know.
Maybe that’s the cycle of life.
Maybe the cycle of life has nothing at all to do with the
food chain. What if it truly means that
the laws of nature will be obeyed at all costs?
When there is happiness, deep sorrow will follow. When there is cause to rejoice, quite
immediately devastation will rear its head.
When there is peace your faith will be shaken to the core.
This has been the most difficult year of my life. My punishment for meeting and knowing peace,
ever so briefly even, I ponder?
It’s not because we moved again. Being from a small island in Alaska, I have
been blessed to see places in the world I never imagined I’d go. However, I think traveling would have been a
much better option than constantly moving.
Beyond the fact that the scenery does not quite agree with me, in over a
year I've yet to make a close friend.
Though, I can say now, I do know three people. Still it’s not the move.
It’s not the fact that as we get older it just seems more
difficult to make friends. Not because I’m
shy, by any means. I think a life time
of losing people or being jaded has something to do with it being more difficult. That’s not it either.
For a moment, after twenty-two years of being nearly completely
absent from the family I was raised in, I got to see them again and started
getting to know them. For a moment, I
felt a contentment I never knew existed.
It was amazing to hear a laugh as unique as my own. Though my own family has given me cause to
laugh and truly enjoy life, I don’t think I have ever laughed and smiled so much
as I did in just one week of being around my siblings. There was just the tiniest glimpse within the
heartbeat of a second that I thought I finally understood what it meant to come
home again. Maybe if I wasn't caught up in the euphoria
of laughter I would have seen that charlatan with his bag of magic tricks a
mile away and I could have been prepared for the topple when he yanked on that
damn table cloth.
Though there are some rotten branches within our family
tree, I think my husband and I were always very careful to shy away and keep our children from every knowing the sting of such a branch, stripped bare of the leaves of life. In this extended absence, we became comfortable. Our youngest was 12 and our oldest 22. We made it.
Right? We raised them safe and
sound. Every one of them is healthy and
strong. They know right from wrong. All of them have a good set of manners. All five of our children are sweet and
caring, charming and funny. Old enough
to protect each other and themselves, or tell us when they need help. Right?
One of my relatives would do an unforgivable harm to one of
my children. My husband and I felt that
instinctual need to protect them, even though we weren't sure what was going
on. We felt it. We tried to cover all of them. Somehow we looked away. It was just a moment. So brief it’s hard to forgive yourself. How did we look away at that particular
moment? We are always so careful. How did we not do more? Say more?
Something?
How do you forgive yourself for letting your guard down?
You always say you’d kill someone if they do your children
harm. Until the moment it happens. Then what?
Who does this infernal beating, an enactment of justice? Me? It’s
my blood that turned against me. My
husband? He’s stronger and more
capable. For now, he’s the breadwinner
and has a higher earning potential. If
he does it, the entire family suffers without him. If I do it they all fall apart. Mom is the glue.
To forgive is bullshit.
How do you forgive the unforgivable?
I can hand it over to a higher power and become numb. That works.
For a while. Then, in the middle
of the night, or randomly on a day of no importance, all the sudden, I can’t
breathe. All of the sudden my heart is
ripped out all over again. I can’t
explain to anyone around me why. My head
is spinning and I can’t think how to stop and regain focus so that I can be in
control again. It hurts so bad all I
want is for it to stop! To just go
away. Trying to wish away pain is like
when you’re a kid and you hid under the covers hoping the monster in the closet
would disappear. It is still there when
you try to brave a look.
My entire “family” would rather believe in the lie, that “there’s
no way it could have happened!” They
have turned against me. Or maybe I have
turned against them. When I am angry
there is power in that thought and I can justify my decision.
Then there are days like today. All the sudden I am fifteen again and kicked
out and on the streets. This is a place
that is foreign to me. I am not
equipped, again, anymore, with the ability to recognize friend from foe. There is this hole within me that aches, a
pain so fierce accompanies the absolute awareness of being alone. Consciously I breathe, in, slow, and then
out, controlled. Determined that the
rising fear, or anger, or helplessness will not be allowed to catch up to me; if
it did, it might overtake me.
Then I wonder, if ever I meet with Peace once again, will I
see her as a blessing? A position I
finally have obtained? A friend, that
perhaps, I had lost because of my choice to all too quickly become complacent. Or will she be the proverbial poisonous apple? A warning to always be leery, that if I
accept her friendship once more something worse will darken my doorstep, as is
the circle and laws of nature.
Did you know that your heart can hurt so badly it can actually turn your stomach? Your thoughts can wiz past your consciousness so rapidly it can actually make you dizzy, even though you've not moved a muscle. There are things so devastating in life you can literally become emotionally paralyzed. And how do you make it stop? How do you move beyond this moment?
All I know for sure, breathe in slow, and then out, controlled.
