The Proverbial Poisonous Apple?

This has been one of the most difficult years of my life.

I read in my psych class that middle age is supposed to be a time of peace and acceptance, a time when most people feel a sense of satisfaction, in the very least. 

Middle age.  *sigh* Like when the fuck did that happen?  I always thought middle age was somewhere around your fifties.  It seems, depending on which school of thought you follow, “middle age” can start anywhere from 35 upward.  Even if you decide it starts at 40, still… 40 always seemed a lifetime away.  Never thought I would have to worry about being close to 40 or accepting that some psychologist somewhere is about to throw me into this quaint little bracket and label me “middle aged.”

Life is supposed to get easier right?  Or at least it sounds as if that is the one good thing this middle age stuff offers.  Declining health, vision and hearing but a promise of contentment…

When we first moved to Nevada, it seemed that we were finally reaching that obscure “adulthood” that we saw others enjoy but always felt was just beyond our reach.  Until now.  There it was.  Our children were not babies anymore.  Though kids can still give you cause to panic when they're older, it seems the heart-attack moments are fewer and further between.  Or maybe after a lifetime of worry you become a bit desensitized.  Who knows?  I just know that all the sudden there was a calming that seemed to overcome my husband and myself.  Not perfection.  Just as close to perfect as I had ever felt. 

It was foreign, this feeling.  Nice.  About the time you start thinking, “I could get used to this,” and I started to settle into this new phase of life, the world came crashing down. 

I wonder is that the habit of life that every time something good occurs chaos must ensue.  Is that the balance?  Isn't it possible to finally get the swing of things without the rules being completely changed?  Why can’t we just relish in the happiness for more than a moment without tragedy drowning us in its wake?

A promise of contentment.  For a moment I not only felt this calm but I was adjusting and learning how to live with it and discovering how it felt to really enjoy it.  I even thought, “And it gets better than this! Who knew?” 

Then, there he was.  That invisible magician who can pull a table cloth out from under the place settings and everything remains as it was.  Or does it?  Maybe it just appears that way, for a moment.  Maybe if we weren't so in awe by the initial appearance of things, maybe if we stayed a moment longer, then we would have learned that the candle stick in the center was in shock and was bound to topple over.  It just didn't have time to catch up with what had happened so it didn't realize that the law of gravity will still grab a hold of it and choke slam it down.  Rules must be obeyed you know.  Maybe that’s the cycle of life. 

Maybe the cycle of life has nothing at all to do with the food chain.  What if it truly means that the laws of nature will be obeyed at all costs?  When there is happiness, deep sorrow will follow.  When there is cause to rejoice, quite immediately devastation will rear its head.  When there is peace your faith will be shaken to the core. 

This has been the most difficult year of my life.  My punishment for meeting and knowing peace, ever so briefly even, I ponder?

It’s not because we moved again.  Being from a small island in Alaska, I have been blessed to see places in the world I never imagined I’d go.  However, I think traveling would have been a much better option than constantly moving.  Beyond the fact that the scenery does not quite agree with me, in over a year I've yet to make a close friend.  Though, I can say now, I do know three people.  Still it’s not the move.

It’s not the fact that as we get older it just seems more difficult to make friends.  Not because I’m shy, by any means.  I think a life time of losing people or being jaded has something to do with it being more difficult.  That’s not it either.

For a moment, after twenty-two years of being nearly completely absent from the family I was raised in, I got to see them again and started getting to know them.  For a moment, I felt a contentment I never knew existed.  It was amazing to hear a laugh as unique as my own.  Though my own family has given me cause to laugh and truly enjoy life, I don’t think I have ever laughed and smiled so much as I did in just one week of being around my siblings.  There was just the tiniest glimpse within the heartbeat of a second that I thought I finally understood what it meant to come home again.    Maybe if I wasn't caught up in the euphoria of laughter I would have seen that charlatan with his bag of magic tricks a mile away and I could have been prepared for the topple when he yanked on that damn table cloth. 

Though there are some rotten branches within our family tree, I think my husband and I were always very careful to shy away and keep our children from every knowing the sting of such a branch, stripped bare of the leaves of life.  In this extended absence, we became comfortable.  Our youngest was 12 and our oldest 22.  We made it.  Right?  We raised them safe and sound.  Every one of them is healthy and strong.  They know right from wrong.  All of them have a good set of manners.  All five of our children are sweet and caring, charming and funny.  Old enough to protect each other and themselves, or tell us when they need help.  Right?

One of my relatives would do an unforgivable harm to one of my children.  My husband and I felt that instinctual need to protect them, even though we weren't sure what was going on.  We felt it.  We tried to cover all of them.  Somehow we looked away.  It was just a moment.  So brief it’s hard to forgive yourself.  How did we look away at that particular moment?  We are always so careful.  How did we not do more?  Say more?  Something?

How do you forgive yourself for letting your guard down?

You always say you’d kill someone if they do your children harm.  Until the moment it happens.  Then what?  Who does this infernal beating, an enactment of justice?  Me?  It’s my blood that turned against me.  My husband?  He’s stronger and more capable.  For now, he’s the breadwinner and has a higher earning potential.  If he does it, the entire family suffers without him.  If I do it they all fall apart.  Mom is the glue. 

To forgive is bullshit.  How do you forgive the unforgivable?  I can hand it over to a higher power and become numb.  That works.  For a while.  Then, in the middle of the night, or randomly on a day of no importance, all the sudden, I can’t breathe.  All of the sudden my heart is ripped out all over again.  I can’t explain to anyone around me why.  My head is spinning and I can’t think how to stop and regain focus so that I can be in control again.  It hurts so bad all I want is for it to stop!  To just go away.  Trying to wish away pain is like when you’re a kid and you hid under the covers hoping the monster in the closet would disappear.  It is still there when you try to brave a look.

My entire “family” would rather believe in the lie, that “there’s no way it could have happened!”  They have turned against me.  Or maybe I have turned against them.  When I am angry there is power in that thought and I can justify my decision. 

Then there are days like today.  All the sudden I am fifteen again and kicked out and on the streets.  This is a place that is foreign to me.  I am not equipped, again, anymore, with the ability to recognize friend from foe.  There is this hole within me that aches, a pain so fierce accompanies the absolute awareness of being alone.  Consciously I breathe, in, slow, and then out, controlled.  Determined that the rising fear, or anger, or helplessness will not be allowed to catch up to me; if it did, it might overtake me. 

Then I wonder, if ever I meet with Peace once again, will I see her as a blessing?  A position I finally have obtained?  A friend, that perhaps, I had lost because of my choice to all too quickly become complacent.  Or will she be the proverbial poisonous apple?  A warning to always be leery, that if I accept her friendship once more something worse will darken my doorstep, as is the circle and laws of nature.

Did you know that your heart can hurt so badly it can actually turn your stomach?  Your thoughts can wiz past your consciousness so rapidly it can actually make you dizzy, even though you've not moved a muscle.  There are things so devastating in life you can literally become emotionally paralyzed.   And how do you make it stop?  How do you move beyond this moment?

All I know for sure, breathe in slow, and then out, controlled.  

Debating the Debate

     Every presidential election, since I was old enough to do so, I have went to the polls and voted.  My first election was when Clinton ran for office for the first time.   Two things we had in common, Clinton and I, it was a first for both of us and we both played saxophone.  One might argue that these are not similarities at all, but when you’re young the details do not matter.

     A trend, that seems to rear its ugly head every presidential election, is not that there is ever a clear cut choice as to who will be best for the job; rather, one person always pops out in your mind as “the lesser of two evils.”  That’s the one you chose. 

     This year it’s not quite so clear to me. 

     When trying to determine which a lessor of two evils is, first you must identify the most important, worst platform stance.  Then, here comes the fun part, decide what their best argument is.  What is the one thing that is good and just that this person stands for and is it significant?  Is this person (keeping in mind their dumbest idea) still worth the risk?  Should I pick them because that little bit of good I found makes it possible to overlook the rest?  So you sit down, pen and paper (or keyboard and Word) in hand, and begin the pros vs. cons list.

Candidate #1:  The current Commander in Chief

     I have a problem with Obama.  No, I’m not going to get into a statistical debate in semantics, everyone knows, when it comes to politics and religion, no one is the winner.  My issue is simple.  Before you ever decide on who is in the running, for any position in life (from cheer-leading to football tryouts all the way to employment opportunities), first you have to determine if they even qualify to run.

     Yes, I’m back on the birth certificate.  It’s so simple, isn't it?  It doesn't matter if you’re applying for a job at McDonald’s or a volunteer position at a hospital, regardless; first you have to prove you are who you say you are.  As far as my experience allows, every place of employment requires a birth certificate.   If I have to obtain one to show as proof, for even the most menial of reasons, how is it that you can even run for the top position in the nation, get hired and sworn in, and yet, there’s still a debate on whether or not you were born?  Okay, in all fairness, we know he was born.  Still, you see what I mean. 

     By the time one finally materialized, it was questionable.  Though I have to admit, somehow the American people decided to overlook the entire issue all together.  I wish the Nevada DMV would be as forgiving.  Just to transfer my Washington state license they not only demand a birth certificate and social security number, now they can (and DO) require that I obtain a state certified copy of my first marriage, a state certified copy of its dissolution and, a state certified copy of my current marriage.  You know, to show the history of how my last name changed from my birth certificate to what it is now.  (I wonder, does this mean searching out your ancestry, for future generations is going to be a breeze?)  Now I've had a driver’s license in Alaska, Georgia, North Carolina and Washington and never had this much trouble transferring to a new state.  If I have to do all this, what was so hard about one person obtaining one state seal certified birth certificate, which was not “questionable”?

Candidate #2 Mitt Romney

     Right out of the gate, he has a lot going for him.  He has a birth certificate= #1!  This brings me to #2, he’s qualified!  Now I can review the resume and see if there’s enough going on in here to assist me with making a decision.

     All the pathetic slander ads make it easy to decide what are the negative platforms working against him.  Yet, as he meets number one and two criteria, at this point, all I’m looking for is that one little thing that makes him win by that minuscule fraction of a second. 

     Then in comes the Roe vs. Wade decision…? Now I know I've been busy lately and not following all the media in the political scene (the argumentative nature of it all weighs on me too heavily, even if I wasn't too busy), still, and here’s a bit of redundancy for you, isn't this a bit random?  Again, I’ll be just; every political campaign always touches base with this for posterity’s sake.  What gets me is this has become a woman’s right issue.  Did we somehow revert back to an older time frame while I was out busying myself with mundane life activities?

     First the positive… hmmm… Well at least he’s not the guy who claims that if a woman is truly raped she can’t get pregnant!  (Yeah, and that guy is in politics.  Go figure people blame the youth for the downfall of our country.  The youth?  Like have they not seen this guy?  Oh, and not only heard his ridiculous statement but he won a majority vote somewhere and is a person in charge and able to make decisions that affect others!)

 Focus!

Looking for positive…

     Serendipitously, I found myself watching (among other politically geared news) a program that began not so much in Mr. Romney’s favor.  It seems that there are some woman out there that have volunteered to do commercial ad’s endorsing Obama based solely on his stance in support of abortion. 

     Don’t get me wrong here, for I’m not turning on my feminine sisters, but if you ask me, that’s like putting a Band-Aid on a tumor.  Not downplaying the importance of this ONE issue, but there is so much more involved with running a nation than just a singular issue, especially when you take into consideration the national debt and what’s going on with the world at large and how the next commander in chief will deal with circumstances that have an impact on the rest of the world.

     What was fortuitous was a comment made at the end of the program.  At least Romney is in support of abortion for a female that has been raped or incestuously impregnated.  To play devil’s advocate, for just a moment, here’s a scenario:  Take a 15 year old girl who has been incestuously violated and the result is a pregnancy.  Then what?  If she goes in to get this approved abortion, wouldn't that mean she has to prove her need of it?  She’s 15, which means the male has broken the law, beyond just the incest factor.  So now, is she forced to get the law involved?  And what about how her family will react?  As I personally just went through a similar situation, I can tell you that my relatives chose to believe, not the victim, but the perpetrator.  Long story short, I just don’t see an already scared 15 year old girl (as only one example) walking into a clinic and capable of facing all of the consequences that would follow.  (Stage right: in walks back alley abortion, just saying.)

     So looms the upcoming debate between the top two candidates.  With the election right around the corner, I must say, I’m hoping that who makes it across the finish line first is obvious.  However, this is politics.  What if, when all is said and done, this race comes down to a neck and neck decision, to be determined by the judges?  Then what?  We hold our breath that the refs weren't some lackey’s that were fired from the lingerie league and are too blind to call, in the least, a pass interference?  The issue is far larger than Seattle needing to save face, the outcome of our shaky economy and the way the rest of the world views our weakening position, is at stake! 

I'm yet to be certain, but all the complaining must have made the God's take mercy & intervene on my account.  I clicked something somewhere that's allowed me to link my Google profile & my blogs!  I was able to switch all of them (even the ones I've yet to post on AS I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET TO THEM BEFORE) to one place & one profile!  I hope this works.... (& I can actually start blogging again)!